We, the undersigned officers of the International Mafia, make a proposal to President Barak Hussein Obama.
We regret that some of our members who are now unavailable because of the complications of making contact with them, but when you accept this proposition, which we sincerely recommend you do, we will make all the parties known to you. We wish to advise you that we believe in you, and what you are trying to do. We regret that many members of Congress, who are big mouths and are just out to steal from the common people, are opposing you. We guarantee you that we will enact your entire program in 100 days after you agree to this proposition... In addition since you are so good in speaking, with or without a teleprompter, we offer you the job of Consigliore to represent us not only in the United States of America, that we love, but in the world that infested with a bunch of no good cut throats, except in Italy.
Step 1: Fire the Governors of all 50 more states. Get rid of all the state legislatures. These guys are worse than the guys in Congress.
I have friends of mine who I will put in place. My Dons and their lieutenants a will need a place to stay so the Governor will have to move on quickly and give us some space. Now since this is the first time I am talking about this, we have to work out how work out the money we collect. But this goes for everything we do. You have one son-of-bitch of a deficit. I f anyone of my guys ran up a tab of this size, I would remove him. You know what I mean. So do not worry, we will see that the U.S. Treasury will make that deficit go away—over time, no rush.
Step 2. Fire the Supreme Court.
There is no reason that you need all these guys and that old broad hanging around. In our program which goes back to the days of Julius Caesar we know all about Justice and how to dispense it. In addition, as you will read further we need the buildings.
Step 3. Get rid of the Congress—both of them Take over all the buildings used by the Congress and the Supreme Court and turn them into Gambling Casinos.
Those Congress guys are not doing you any favors. All they think about is pork and they are big eaters. I think you will be getting the drift of my plan. We still keep the White House for your office and your speech writers and keep some rooms for high rollers. It would be nice if you stopped in to talk to the high rollers when you get a minute. I think your wife and the kids would be happier in Chicago and we have guys that can keep an eye on them. We will be in the East Wing making sure every happens the way it should happen. Keep all the museums, art galleries, and other tourist stuff to build traffic, make them all no charge, except for voluntary contributions that we will encourage. We have experts from Vegas who will be available to keep an eye on things so it all on the up and up. You can count on us to keep knocking down the National Debt with a cut of our take.
Step 4. Solve the banking crisis by allowing all banks to sell pot, which we will of course legalize.
You will be for ever trying to get these swindlers who pushed bad paper on dumb rubes to shape up. My guys will protect the good paper and create a “pot fund” that will make bad paper good. With the dough we collect and our skills in persuasion we will have this screw-up in good shape in no time. And, everbody will be mellow. If you think people hate the banks, once we get going they will love them. You won’t be able to keep them away.
Step 5. Solve the automobile crisis by use of our destroy and buy plan.
As far as we see it, nobody but nobody, should be driving a car that is more than five years old. We have a list, and we know who is holding back by not buying a new car. If some citizen is a slacker, we will find him try to reason with him. If he is dumb and difficult, we will wreck his car and sell it for scrap to friend of ours who is the business. If this dumb sucker says he can’t afford it, my guys will lend him the money at our usual rates of interest. We assure you that everybody building cars and selling cars will be back in good health again.
Step 6. Set up as you say “affordable health care for everyone” by putting the hospitals in the business of selling porn for profit.
Porn is one hell of a profitable business. If Mr. and Mrs. America, over 18 years of age, could go to the local hospital and buy or rent porn films, we would would have trillions to help pay for sick people who are dragging down our country . The money will stop flowing like blood right out of our bodies, not a pretty sight. This is a big deal. We can sell, rent, or show—and make big bucks. Maybe some reality shows, too. We have some guys who are in the movie business and they could take a look at some of the nurses nwould be thrilled to sit in and make sure kids pay attention. If get rowdy, we know what to do. Also I think some of our guys and gals might be reformed by contact with these smart people. If the building are falling down, we c an get more guys and gals who are good at using tools to help.
Dear Mr. President:
I hope you get the message. Even if you think I am nuts and want time to think this over, how about sending this letter around to those apes in Congress who are sounding off?
I will send you the names of the guys who signed this direct to your Blackberry. They are all stand up guys.
Copyright: Martin Levin Revised March 7, 2009, Not for reproduction